How to Support Your Partner During a Flare Up
I didn't know what a chronic illness flare up was the first time Karen taught me about fabric.
We were out shopping, still just friends at the time, and she mentioned that she couldn't stand velvet. That certain rough textures bothered her skin. I filed it away without fully understanding why. I just knew it mattered to her, so it mattered to me.
That was the beginning of an education I didn't realize I was getting.
Years later, as her husband, I can tell you that learning to support your partner during a flare up doesn't come from a manual. It comes from paying attention. From listening, not just when they're struggling, but in the quiet, ordinary moments when they're telling you exactly who they are and what they need.
What Paying Attention Actually Looks Like
I'm not a naturally gifted shopper but I've become a surprisingly good one.
When I visit Renaissance Faires, thrift shops, or conventions, I'll spot an outfit and think of Karen. Then, before anything else, I touch the fabric. Is it soft? Smooth? Would it feel safe against skin that's already sensitive? If not, I keep walking. If yes, I think about whether she'd love it and luckily, she usually does.
This didn't start as a flare up strategy. It started as just paying attention to someone I love. But over time, I've realized that's exactly what supporting a partner with chronic illness looks like in practice. You learn what their body tolerates. You carry that knowledge with you quietly, without making it a production.
Karen has written about how comfort items genuinely help regulate the nervous system during a flare. One that she's reached for more times than I can count is a weighted Squishmallow of Embarrassment (yes, the character from Inside Out) that she'll cuddle on the couch during her worst days. I didn't buy it because I read a wellness article. I bought it because I know her, and I knew she'd love it.
That's the whole strategy, really.
Helping Them Prep For The Rough Days
For years when I traveled for work as a photographer, Karen would pack me care packages - snacks, prepared meals in Tupperware, things I could just heat up after a long exhausting day on the road. It took me a while to realize what she was actually doing. She was sending me out with a version of her own toolkit. She knew what it felt like to be too tired to make food, and she didn't want me to feel that way either.
That realization changed how I shop for her.
Now, when I'm at the store, I look for single-serve packaged meals that are easy to heat up on a flare day. I make sure there's always something in the house that requires zero effort. On Sundays, we split cooking responsibilities. This is partly to make the week easier and partly to protect her energy. When I make waffles, I always make extra. She can eat them fresh, or they're there waiting for her on a day when cooking isn't possible.
These are small things, but small things are the whole point.
What Partners Need Too
Here's something I don't think gets said enough: when your partner is in a flare, you feel it too. Not the physical pain, but the helplessness of watching someone you love struggle, and the mental load of quietly picking up what they can't carry right now.
It's okay to acknowledge that. Taking care of yourself isn't a distraction from supporting your partner. It's what makes sustainable support possible.
For us, that means being honest with each other. Karen knows I'm in her corner on the hard days. And I know that her flare ups aren't something she's doing to us, they're something we move through together.
A Note to Partners Reading This
If your person is living with chronic illness, the most important thing I can tell you is this, you don't have to have all the answers. You just have to keep paying attention.
And if your partner is looking for professional support to help navigate the emotional weight of chronic illness, in their body and in their relationships, Karen works specifically with people who are living this. Reach out to her HERE to learn more about working together.
The hard days are more manageable when no one has to face them alone.